I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
