Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
