I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
