i just wanna soil my oats bro
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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