i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
