worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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