you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
