I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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