terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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