I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
