Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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