remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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