Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
