She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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