It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
