my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
