i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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