I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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