You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I puked a lego.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
