i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I haven't been this sober since birth.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
