I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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