Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
