We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
