He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
