I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
