I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
