I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
