You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
