I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize