my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
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