Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Come see our sink grown plant.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
