The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
