I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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