"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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