Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
