I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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