I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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