I wish I only lived at night.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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