What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
