I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
