I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
