I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
