I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
