What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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