I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
