Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
