Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
