then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
