Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
