Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
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