so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
