Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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