tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Randomize
