This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Randomize
