I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
