Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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