My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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