theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
