dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Randomize
